What I Learned from Life as an Addict (2 of 3) (ep.6)
Part two of a three-part series. Read part 1 here.
The Real Work Starts
The early stages of recovery were, in retrospect, more comfortable than I thought they would be. There was a lot of talking about feelings, exploring things I liked and things I didn't. But I was never told I actually needed to stop. Just like building new habits today, the early stages were all about bringing awareness to my situation. The discussions were mostly to help me come to my own conclusions about the pros of recovery and the cons of using. The real drive came from me as I developed awareness and tools to start (tools like the ones I highlight below).
This approach to "beginning" is something I now use frequently. Starting with awareness without any pressure or intent to make a change.
Whether it's eating habits, changing bedtime routines, exercise routines, financial planning…. everything now starts with just tracking and checking in on my feelings. This awareness was and continues to be the catalyst that fuels my action.
The Foundation
Over time, I built a recovery foundation that consisted of a support network, a Higher Power, journaling, meditation, proactive planning and honesty. These are tools that I know everyone can make use of to lead a healthy lifestyle.
Support Network
My support network was made up of trusted people to lean on and proactively check in with me. One of the first things lost in addiction is a connection to others... The easiest way for me to currently hide in addictive behaviour is to not talk with people. Having people who actively reach out to check in and care if I'm not showing up like I usually do keeps me honest, especially when I didn't want to be. The people in my support network were:
My counsellors
People from various Narcotics Anonymous (NA) groups
People that I went to group therapy with
My friends (the real ones that weren't high all the time)
My support group has evolved over time, but the core principle of trusted people remains the same.
Group Therapy
Group therapy was very influential in my journey, and it can easily be emulated in a non-recovery setting. There was a group of us that would meet every Saturday morning for 2hrs. We would start our meeting by going around the circle and sharing whatever we wanted without interruption or feedback. A "good" share is an honest one that provided an overview of what you've been up to, and most importantly that touched on how you felt about what happened. The share would be uninterrupted and you can share as much or as little as you want. When you were done, we would move to the next person until everyone around the circle had shared. We would then have time for "cross-talk," an opportunity to lovingly learn more and respectfully challenge each other. These sessions were facilitated by professional counsellors who could offer advice and feedback of their own, which was needed for us.
Group therapy helped me to connect with my feelings, get input from others, and reach out for help. At times, I would have a really intense emotional reaction to what someone else was sharing.
This proved to be a fantastic way to proactively flush out my own feelings and beliefs to the forefront without having to live through the experience, as I saw myself reflected in others. To be honest, I didn't always look forward to these sessions, and sometimes wanted to skip them altogether, to not talk to people and hide. Still, I (usually) felt better afterwards, working through issues I didn't even know I had. What's more is that a lot of the time, empathizing with other people's problems helps me get relief from my own, helps me feel like maybe my problems aren't that bad. It helps me feel like I'm not alone.
My "group therapy" today is a regular 2hr check-in with some close friends via google meet. We certainly aren't as regimented with the format, but the approach and beneficial effects are very similar.
Higher Power
The first thing lost in addiction is a spiritual connection to something greater than oneself. In recovery circles, this is referred to as a "Higher Power." A Higher Power is really defined on an individual level and can mean different things to different people. It could be a God associated with mainstream religion. It could be the power that comes from a group of people supporting each other. Regardless, it is a power outside of myself. My personal definition of Higher Power shifted over time and has become what I needed it to be. From Zen Buddhism, I pulled a sense of universal energy and acceptance, the idea that everything that happens is exactly the thing I need to happen. I might not understand why or how, and it might seem "negative" at the surface level, but it's what I need. I developed a trust in being uncomfortable and had proof that seeking the positive in a situation helps me find it — every time. Catholicism provided me with Higher Power's personification, a wise bearded father figure that provided a comforting presence. I could imagine someone that I could call out to and ask for help. The community of people around me provided a Higher Power that acts — the hands and mouthpieces of Higher Power. I learned to lean on people around me for more direct and tangible help. I looked for coincidences in what people shared or did and followed those coincidences wholeheartedly.
This has been so successful that I developed a "Rule of 3": if there are 3 coincidences that pop up, I treat it as a sign of something I should learn more about or try doing.
Journalling
Journalling became a place for me to immediately share my thoughts and feelings when no one else was around or when I didn't feel like talking. It brought clarity to what was in my mind and helped stop my wheels from spinning. My journaling style is usually just a stream of consciousness, as I never have any intention to look back on what I wrote. And, reading back on what was written really isn't the point anyway. I just had to get it out quickly and easily. Writing style, mistakes, and readability did not matter. In addition to this, anonymous programs (Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc.) all follow the 12 steps. There is something called the "Step Working Guide," which is a set of questions that prompt the reader through the 12 steps. This guide helped me think about and reflect on my past, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. It was a comfortable place to get started and ground myself. I never formally finished the 12 steps, however looking at them now, I do feel as though I bounced through them and worked each one in my own way.
I strongly believe that everyone can benefit from working through a step guide like this. If you're unsure, just scan through and pick some random questions to answer. I'd suggest writing answers out to give them clarity.