What I Learned from Life as an Addict (1 of 3) (Ep. 5)
Part one of a three-part series.
This past 24 January 2021 marks my 10th birthday. A rebirth from active addiction to healthy living. I learned a lot from other addicts that supported me. The grit, determination, and willingness of others in recovery I've met along this path are absolutely inspiring. At first, I would write off many of "those people" because we were so different: I never lived on the street, I never used "hard" drugs, I was never in jail. And yet, our stories were remarkably similar: feeling like I'm not good enough, not deserving of love, and looking for an escape to dull my senses. That was me, and that was "those people."
I've always felt that the "recovery" routines and activities that I pursue are really just healthy living and can be applied to anyone's life. The consequences for an addict that isn't in recovery are much higher, though. Not following a healthy recovery lifestyle can lead to relapse, and ultimately death. The stakes are high, but the positive impact of recovery activities is universal.
So here is my story and some of what I've learned over the last 10 years. This will be a 3 part article. In part 1, I'll share some grounding information and the story of how I got here. Parts 2 and 3 will share the recovery activities I use as a foundation today.
Take what you need and leave the rest.
What is Addiction?
The official definition from the American Society of Addiction Medicine as of 15 September 2019:
Addiction is a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual's life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviours that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.
Words are significant here. I'll draw your attention to "engage in behaviours that become compulsive." Many people are under the impression that addiction must involve drugs or alcohol, but it can really be driven by any activity that provides instant gratification. That's the easy way I have found to figure out if something has potential for addictive behaviour… Does it involve instant gratification? In my own journey, this instant gratification has included: drugs, alcohol, computer games, pornography, working out, food, Facebook, Reddit, YouTube…. and I'm sure more things I don't even recognize. Anything that provides instant gratification can be used as an escape. Addiction is sneaky like that.
Anyone can engage in addictive behaviour (ever get lost scrolling on Instagram?) without being an addict. The consequences differ for an addict, as they are more likely to develop unhealthy compulsions that "continue despite harmful consequences."
What is Recovery?
Recovery is an active process of continual growth that addresses the root issues of addiction. This typically means consistent abstinence from substances or unhealthy behaviours (e.g. instant gratification); enrichment of relationships; and improvement in emotional intelligence (American Society of Addiction Medicine info here). In lots of recovery circles, you can either be in active-addiction or in active-recovery. Those are really the two states of being.
This is where I see recovery can apply to everyone. Think about this from your own perspective because being in recovery does not require you to be an addict. It really just means that you're pursuing a well-balanced life with rich social and spiritual connections where you react to life's challenges in healthy ways. And THAT is why these learnings can be applied to anyone.
Let's rewrite the definition of recovery from this new lense:
Recovery is an active process of continual growth. This typically means consistent abstinence from unhealthy behaviours, enrichment of relationships, and improvement in emotional intelligence.
That's better. Now it applies to everyone 😄
Why do I still call myself an addict?
Whenever I talk about my journey, I refer to myself as a "gratefully recovering addict." The recovery process is continual, and I don't ever want to lose sight of the consequences of not living in active recovery. If I relapse, I will likely lose all of the beautiful things in my life. So, I respect the idea that I will always be an addict. Hopefully, I will also always be gratefully in recovery.
My Story: a Little History
I first used drugs at a New Year's Eve party, 31 December 2004. But that is NOT where my escape and pursuit of instant gratification started… Reflecting back, I can see the link between riding my bike as a kid and addiction. I was on my bike ALL the time. After finishing elementary school, I picked up gaming on the computer. The way I obsessed over it and the hours spent locked away in my room with little interest in anything else certainly does not seem healthy. High school is where substance use kicked off. Things stayed casual and manageable through high school; my grades were decent, I was engaged with family and friends, and I would just get high every now and then in the evenings.
On the other hand, university life opened the doors of freedom; I was out of the house all day and studied at school in the evenings. My friend group from high school disbanded as everyone left Calgary for university. My new friends were what most parents would call a "bad influence." Within the first year of university, I was getting high every day, all day. Typically, I had either just gotten high, was high already, or was on my way to get high. I dropped out of engineering after my first semester and was put on academic probation with a 1.84 GPA (out of 4… not great).
Getting Under "Control"
After a year of open studies and GPA boosters, I decided I wanted to get back into engineering and started to regulate and control my behaviour. I learned how to become a "high functioning addict" and found a balance of getting high, studying, and participating in extracurriculars. I was running clubs, getting decent grades, and on paper, I was excelling. But things were pretty dark internally, and I wasn't living a very balanced life. At this point in my journey, I was just checking the boxes to continue using without anyone calling me out for the drugs negatively impacting my life. Succeeding at these superficial things was a way to justify my continued drug use and prove my worth and feel like I'm "good enough" as a person.
Recovery - The Spark
As I started to think about life after university, I began picturing a future without drugs. I mean, how could I excel in my career or be a good father in the future if I was absent and getting high all the time? In my mind, I couldn't hold my current lifestyle and my future desires simultaneously, but I also couldn't recognize a transition process.
I tried to quit on my own for a least a year. This meant having big meaningful moments in the evening of "this is the last time," followed by some significant symbolic gesture like throwing all my paraphernalia away. And then the morning came… I would usually last until I had a shower before getting high again and hating myself for failing. I must've relapsed 300+ times that year. Things got more and more difficult as I went from feeling confident that I could "quit any time I want" to recognizing that I had no control over my drug use. I cried a lot that year.
Desperation and hopelessness were the main themes for me. Not only did it feel like I was failing daily, but I felt incredibly alone because I believed that there was no one out there that had the same problem as me. I still didn't recognize myself as an addict because addicts were "shooting up" and lived in the street, and that wasn't me. Also, marijuana (my drug of choice) was not chemically addictive, so there was obviously something wrong with ME, right?
I finally reached out to my mom for help. I can still remember the walk down the stairs to my room in the basement and seeing my mom sitting in the downstairs living room watching TV. I walked up to her timidly, shy, and told her that I had a problem and that I couldn't stop using.
I asked for help.
This was the first time I actually took responsibility for my recovery. This was the beginning.
What followed was the work and the learnings of recovery... Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3.